Impact Of Shame and Guilt

Look underneath your skin

The topic of shame and guilt is not well covered, with the exceptions of Brene Brown, and the late John Bradshaw who wrote the book Healing the Shame That Binds You.  As a young practitioner, I had no idea of the depths of these underlying and longstanding emotions from which people were suffering.  Now, 37 years later, I would propose that shame and guilt drive much of our behavior, and we are unaware!  Furthermore, toxic shame may reside in our bodies.  These are two different but very powerful emotions or emotion-thoughts-body sensations.  I say this big word because emotions, thoughts and body sensations connect to each other, in a split second.

Shame And Guilt Can Be Healthy, But…

Shame and guilt can be healthy, and they help drive us to be community minded.  Most people understand when they do something wrong or make a mistake, it may hurt another person, or a project or business.  The emotion-thought of guilt can lead us to make right what has been wrong – or at least confess our mistake.  Healthy shame, more broadly defined by John Bradshaw is experiencing the “manifestation of our limitations”. We may feel ashamed if we lack a skill in something, or we came in 5^th place in a contest, or we have a part of our body that we think is ugly.  However, Bradshaw talks about shame becoming toxic, when we start to believe that our personhood is inadequate or unworthy.  This toxic shame is judge who has taken up residence within ourselves, and constantly reminds us of our unworthiness.  And toxic shame fuels addictive kinds of behaviors or self-destructive behaviors! After all, why would we care to treat ourselves well if we believe deeply that we are defective human beings? Furthermore, how could we ever discuss this with anyone else, lest they confirm how defective we are??

I challenge you to investigate yourself and look for this judge.  Are you having headaches, body aches, any myriad of physical problems?  Does your heart ever ache? Do you ever feel like you can’t breathe right? The pain of physical abuse, continuous criticism (emotional abuse), sexual abuse may reside in permanent residence – and created a sense of our unworthiness and consequently, created a problem in our bodies.  Our emotions, our physical being, our souls, our thoughts become sick.

What is the remedy to toxic shame?

We must understand, first, what we are living with.  Who or what has taken up residence?  What body part hurts, what thought keeps cropping up? What is our rage about?  We may not have been able to express our emotions in childhood and we may have never been taught that it’s ok to make mistakes or to be unable to do something. Trauma may also be the problem. We have natural trauma responses, and we may not be remembering the source of our pain.  Give yourself permission to look at your problems, your strong emotions.  We all have problems, and we all have strong emotions!

Next, we need to bring to the surface what lurks underneath.  Talk to a trusted person about your shame. You might be surprised how much of a release that brings. And you may find yourself in good company, someone who also struggles with hidden shame.  If you don’t have a trusted person, engage with a professional who is bound by confidentiality and who has skill sets to help. Please note that trauma may be very difficult to work through and you need safety in your life in order to do the work.

Next, you need to start changing the negative monologue you tell yourself, about yourself.  Find the positive, the good about yourself.  It takes time, but little by little, with practice, we can start to change the way we think, and then feel about ourselves.

Love is the Answer!

Though it seems perhaps trite – love is the answer! We need to love ourselves, and then engage with others who are capable of expressing self-love and love to others. We heal best in the context of having healthy relationships – healthy relationships with ourselves, with others and with our sense of meaning.

For more information about how shame and guilt affects our lives click here.

Peopleworks-NM was founded in 2009 by Cindy Anderson, MSW, LCSW, IGCC-I, to provide mental wellness services to older adults, without consideration to economic status.  Though Peopleworks specializes in older adults, we provide services to individuals over 18 years of age. PeopleWorks NM Is here to support your mental health therapy needs.