Healing Shame

Mental Health Tidbits and Tools

If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown

Though this blog cannot possibly cover the complexities of shame and how to heal from toxic shame, I want to cover some key points.

In healing shame, we need to understand it’s source.  Are we feeling ashamed due to chronic parental criticism? Do we feel ashamed because we were sexually abused? Do we feel ashamed because we made a mistake that was publicly exposed? Do we feel ashamed because of religious teachings and standards which we cannot live up to? Were we told how we are “not good enough”, “horrible”, “sick”, “ugly” or “fill in the blank”? Do we feel ashamed because we mistreated another person? Maybe we feel ashamed because we were abandoned by someone important.

Once you identify the source of shame, you need to identify if the shame was created by another’s actions toward you or if it was something you did for which you are now ashamed. If it is something you did for which you need healthy shame, acknowledge it and take steps to correct the problem or make amends, if possible.  If something that was done to you, take steps to forgive the person (or if unforgiveable to minimize the impact).  You also may need to forgive yourself for accepting the negativity or negative self-image which was conveyed to you.

Most people who mistreat others are those who have grief, loss or trauma in their own life.  They have mistaken ways of handling the grief, loss or trauma.  Whether you are the mis-treater or the mistreated, having empathy for self or others will help. We need to look at mistakes as “natural and valuable components of our life.” (John Bradshaw)

For healing shame, take these steps:

1) Practice empathy for ourselves. Look at yourself as if you were looking at another human being.  Who are you inside? What are your vulnerabilities?  What are your strengths?  Tell yourself that you may be struggling, but you are trying.

2) We need to feel normal and connected to others.  Everybody has something in their life of which they are ashamed.  It may be something as simple as an unsightly body part, or as significant as abusing another or being abused.  We need to feel a part of humanity, and not separated from others!

3) Finally, we need to feel our sense of purpose and meaning. This goes a long way to bolster us through difficult stretches of time or when we’ve not been our best self.

Remember: “Every single day is a new chance to start again.” – Unknown

If you find you are experiencing overwhelming shame and negative thoughts dial 988 (learn more about 988) or head over to our mental health resources page for more options. Also PeopleWorks NM Is always here to support your mental health therapy needs.